Raheem Sterling - the Trojan Horse — Wayne's World of Sports

By: Wayne

Raheem Sterling has put together numbers this season befitting a superstar - 20 goals and 4 assists in all competitions. His transfer value is north of $180 million according to Transfermarkt, and he has produced some memorable moments for Manchester City over the past few years, with 87 goals in a blue jersey. The Jamaican international is City's leading scorer this season, so when Riyad Mahrez was stepped on in the box in the 24th minute today, Sterling was Pep's first call as the penalty taker.

An air of nervousness fills the stands. How can a team's leading scorer leave its fans with such little confidence in him to score? Sterling steps up to the spot and drives a low shot to the bottom left corner of the goal. Rui Patricio guesses right and knocks it away. The shot has little sizzle and never looks like going in. Of course, in typical City fashion, VAR comes to the rescue yet again and affords the team another shot at the penalty. City fans breathe a sigh of relief as they get another chance.

Would Pep Guardiola trust his goal-leading winger again? Or would he turn to one of the actual good players on the team like Kevin De Bruyne? Nah, Sterling steps up again. He shoots to the same exact spot, this time with a little extra pop, and Patricio saves it easily. Would he consider shooting to a different corner, or putting a different curve on it? Nah, that would actually give the shot a chance to go in. Of course, in typical City fashion, Sterling gets a third shot at it as the ball bounces off Patricio's hands and he smashes it into the net. Here's the link to a video of the madness if you want to watch it, which I highly recommend.

Pep Guardiola's reaction said it all on the touchline. He buried his head in his hands in agony as he thought his overpriced winger had botched the shot twice. It wouldn't be the first time of course. Let me take you on a little journey through the history of Raheem Sterling taking penalties.

Notice how he hits it to the same exact corner he did against Patricio, with about the same amount of zip as a toddler hits a whiffle ball with. Surprised it didn't go in? Neither am I.

Then there's this one, which, well, fuck man I don't even know where to start with this one. This is how I would take a penalty and you would need to pay me about 5 bucks to step up and do it. Sterling makes almost $400k a week.

So yeah, makes perfect sense that Pep would pick him TWICE to take the penalty. Yep, totally logical. Of course, Sterling's baffling lapses of mental presence and shit storm mistakes aren't limited to just penalty kicks. That would be too easy to fix.

The bio for that video simply says "Enjoy" and boy did I ever. A beautiful example of buildup play from City as De Bruyne pushes it forward to Kyle Walker who plays a glancing ball across goal. Sterling was in the absolute perfect spot to finish it - credit to his elite pace. Did he knock it in for the easy goal? Of fucking course not.

This one might be my favorite. Watch Sterling boot it right over the goal as he's in the perfect position to score. Just something else man.

So by now, you're probably wondering how can such a fucking terrible player be the leading scorer for one of the best sides in the world? I racked my brain trying to figure out how this man is making $400k a week to play soccer - and then it finally hit me. Pep Guardiola is a sucker for pace and space, counter-attacking buildup play, and speed in all facets of the game. When Sterling runs around on the pitch he looks like he was launched out of a cannon and asked to collect as much shit off the shelves in a Walmart as he can in 90 minutes. Watch Oh My Goal break down his running style below.

Brendan Rogers once said "a squad is like a good meal. I'm not a great cook, but a good meal takes a wee bit of time. But also, to offer a good meal, you need good ingredients". Rogers was never the right head chef to take Liverpool to the heights it wanted to reach. He knew it too, but he was always committed to winning a title for the team. After Jurgen Klopp announced it would be his last season at Borrusia Dortmund, the pieces were starting to be put in place for him to become the next Liverpool manager. Rogers' exit was quiet and mutually respectful - he knew Klopp would be the better top chef.

But Rogers had one last move to make before leaving. Manchester City, coming off a handful of top-two finishes in the Premier League, was on the verge of becoming a perennial superteam. Rogers, making the only move he could to break them down, sent his Jamaican winger Raheem Sterling undercover to infiltrate the Etihad's control room. And Pep, with his love for pace and space, was all too happy to bring him on board, especially if it meant taking talent away from Liverpool.

And so, the final chess piece had been played. Sterling was set to become a regular starter at Man City, with his botchability (yeah I just made a new word, deal with it). Raheem Sterling was Brendan Rogers' trojan horse and continues to be his lasting impact on the top of the Premier League table (other than coaching 2nd-place Leicester). Sterling has become nothing short of a throbbing headache for Pep Guardiola, punctuated by a Sterling hat trick last season against Watford, after which Pep criticized him for his poor finishing, lack of creative passing, and complete non-help on defense. Figure that one out for me.

City fans, you're right. I never saw it before, but Raheem Sterling really is world-class. He's a world-class super spy. As I argued with my buddy Josh for the umpteenth time on the merits of Sterling being a system player this morning, I had an epiphany. He isn't a system player. He does just enough to make Pep put him in the lineup and put him in the biggest spots, only for him to botch it all up when it matters most. Sterling must have taken a year off Pep's life by now with the several faces of agony the winger has produced for the Spanish head coach. Liverpool's long con has seen varying success, but Sterling's compilation of god-awful misses for Man City must give John Henry a nice stiffy.

Teams sometimes need to lose some dead weight to win a championship. The Raptors had to get rid of DeMar DeRozan. The Nationals had to let Bryce Harper walk. Bill Simmons' Ewing theory describes this exact phenomenon where a team can do better after letting a star player leave. Liverpool doesn't quite fit into that category, as it isn't hard to see how the team improved by replacing Sterling with Salah and Mane, but planting Sterling on their biggest opposition in the table is some next-level fuckery. Liverpool even got City to pony up $50 million for their Trojan Horse! Liverpool's long-con antics have gone swimmingly, and the team looks set to win its first Premier League title in 30 years. Special credit should be given to Raheem Sterling, who's fuckups for City have kept them lower in the table than they should be.

I want to formally nominate Raheem Sterling as a member of the ring pop club alongside Bryce Harper, DeMar DeRozan, and Patrick Ewing. Watching their teams reach their goals after their departures hurt them to varying degrees - DeRozan probably still needs to see a therapist for getting betrayed by cutthroat Masai Ujiri's championship-winning trade for Kawhi Leonard. Sterling has had some domestic success with Man City, but the team will never win the UCL as long as the Jamaican winger is fucking up their electric buildup play with comical misses.

*Update: Liverpool just won the Premier League and the Ewing Theory has been repeated, this time at Anfield. Raheem Sterling really should get a ring pop for his efforts in botching Man City’s season. I wonder if he had anything to do with the financial fair play stuff??